


You're my survival

by NathalieWeasley



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Homophobic Language, Language, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:38:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NathalieWeasley/pseuds/NathalieWeasley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Everyone knows that Eileen married Tobias Snape. Everyone knows they fought. What not everybody knows is what they fought about: Eileen was in love with a woman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're my survival

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2013 Sapphic Love Fest. I missed the deadline so I am posting now. Title comes from “You're my survival, you're my living proof. / My love is alive and not dead.” – Edwin McCain, I’ll Be. SO MUCH GRATITUDE to my amazing beta marianna_merlo; you are a godsend, my dear.

**December 1957**

Tobias is at the Muggle pub where she spent Friday evenings over Christmas break, escaping for a few hours from her parents. Eileen is drawn in his world, intrigued by the tumultuous relationship of his parents, the hands-on labours performed by men in the streets, and general _difference_ of Tobias’s from her world of fancy balls, condescending remarks hidden behind compliments, and a ridiculous obsession with blood purity. Her pure blood has never given Eileen the love of her parents in their own home; they are too busy going from business meetings to fancy dinners, though Eileen knows they are piss broke and simply want to keep up appearances. The elder Princes speak so highly of her at parties just to wrangle a betrothal that will help solve their financial problems. 

So she escapes to Muggle Surrey and gets drunk on bitter while the Muggle men around her smoke and laugh and get even drunker than her. The bar’s noise and heat transport Eileen away from her life. There is no need to maintain a face of propriety around people who don’t know she’s a pureblood.

Tobias is the son of one of the mill workers. He grimaces at her every week as he drags his father home. Eileen always returns a sympathetic look before returning to her pint. She wishes someone would care about her enough to drag her home. Tobias makes his introduction a week or two after Eileen starts going to the pub. He buys her a drink and then asks what type of woman drinks bitters with hammered old men. They share a rough, humourless laugh, but at that moment, something is formed.

Tobias brings Eileen to different pubs after that. They are smaller and dirtier, but the occupants are younger, and Tobias and Eileen can sit in a booth for hours without getting pointed looks from traditional folks still in the last century. Tobias is full of ideals. The common man needs power. Working with your hands is a virtue. Power for the youth. Decriminalization of homosexuality. Eileen starts at that. She understands a voice for labour, but for queers? Tobias defiantly talks of his best mate, a Londoner named John, who gets beaten up weekly and is targeted by the police because he sleeps with men. Eileen has never heard of sleeping with someone of the same sex, but it strikes something inside her. She is uncomfortable and intrigued and needy all at the same time. 

\---

**June 1958**

Eileen bends over the long piece of parchment, scribbling the last comments she wants to make on her final Potions essay. The library is quiet at this hour – mid-afternoon on a Sunday – with most students choosing to waste their time away out by the lake or on the Quidditch pitch, revelling in the sun. Eileen doesn’t like spending time with her fellow students. Their taunts over her interest in Potions and their preoccupation with blood purity do not encourage friendly conversations. The only other person in the library is Agnes Rosier, a Slytherin sixth year who Eileen has been watching since Tobias mentioned sleeping with someone of the same sex. Agnes isn’t traditionally beautiful like her cousin Druella, but Eileen is drawn nevertheless to her light green eyes and strong jaw. Agnes is tender when dealing with the younger children as a prefect and very studious (she is in the library almost as frequently as Eileen). Eileen wishes she had the courage to _say_ something to Agnes, maybe even to ask her to go for a walk around the lake. But she is afraid: afraid that Agnes isn’t interested in her, afraid that her fellow students will find out and taunt her about her attraction like they do about her intellect, and, most of all, afraid that her parents will find out and somehow prevent her from leaving with Tobias.

After finishing the assignment, Eileen rolls up the parchment and seals it with a quick charm. She passes the remaining time before dinner reminiscing over Agnes and planning her escape from propriety and narrow mindedness. She and Tobias haven’t exchanged as many letters as she would have liked over the past term, but Tobias doesn’t like owls, and so Eileen waits to send letters to him at a post office near Hogsmeade. Thankfully, she is graduating soon, and then she will be off to live with Tobias, leaving behind the pureblood nonsense and hypocrisy in the wizarding world.

\---

Eileen graduates from Hogwarts. She moves in with Tobias, and her family disowns her. No matter, because she and Tobias have an agreement. She will keep house for him, and he’ll provide her with food and shelter, supporting her with his job at the mill. The arrangement gets her away from her family, so Eileen doesn’t quite care about the details. There is only one bed in the small flat, and Tobias and Eileen share. Eileen doesn’t really mind this set-up; Tobias’s body heat is welcome in the winter, and they are such good friends. 

\---

One evening, Tobias puts his hand on Eileen’s breast. She stills, but Tobias rubs his hand against her and says he has been good to her so she should be good to him. Tears well in Eileen’s eyes but what can she do? She has no means of work and survival; she has cut off all contact with her family. So she lets Tobias rub her breasts and thrust his hand up her skirt, and, not too much later, push himself inside her. Eileen cries out at the intrusion and Tobias just mashes a hand against her mouth. Eileen turns her head to the side and squeezes her eyes shut, tears leaking into the soft cotton. Tobias’s weight is heavy on top of her and his penis feels like it ripping her apart. Her body instinctively clenches against him, and Tobias growls and shoves harder. After a few minutes of thrusting, Tobias stills and makes a disgusting grunting noise. He mumbles something at her and rolls away.

Eileen doesn’t sleep that night. She tries to wrap her head around the contrast between her friend Tobias, who cares about poor people and the labourers and the youth and sexual equality and this man who has _violated_ her. The night doesn’t provide any answers, and neither does Tobias the next day. He doesn’t try to kiss her or make any comments about his forceful taking of her virginity; he just goes to work. 

\---

The months pass. Eileen has become used to Tobias’s wandering hands at night. The whole thing only takes a few minutes, and she can just close her eyes and will her mind away. Tobias has provided her with food and a place to stay, and her family certainly wouldn’t take her back.

Eileen and Tobias go to sexual equality meetings and labour meetings. Tobias speaks strongly for the right of the worker, and guilty pride surges up in Eileen. Tobias is a good man. He has such good values. She says yes when he asks her to marry him.

\---

**September 1958**

In September, a woman at the sexual equality meeting mentions a meeting to start organizing lesbian activists, taking place the following Thursday. Eileen feels a surge of connection as she meets the other woman’s eyes. They aren’t the light green of Agnes’s, but Eileen still finds the deep brown beautiful. The next week, for some reason, Eileen doesn’t tell Tobias about the meeting. She claims to be visiting a friend. Tobias narrows his eyes (she doesn’t actually have any friends) but eventually shrugs, and Eileen leaves. 

The meeting is wonderful. Eileen had enjoyed the sexual equality meetings and the loud voices for equality and decriminalization, but something had always been missing. Here, among women, she begins to put together why she felt so decidedly _odd_ when Tobias mentioned homosexuality. These women are fighting for the right to be free with _other women_ Eileen sits down in the nearest pew. Her heart is pounding, and blood rushes to her head. She feels strong arms push her head between her knees and rub soothingly along her back. 

After the dizziness passes, Eileen raises her head to meet the most beautiful pair of eyes she has ever seen; the tawny, hazel eyes are full of kindness, but twitch with a hint of mirth. Eileen feels awkward in her oversized skirt and blouse from the nearest Salvation Army. The woman is so beautiful, and Eileen feels completely inadequate.

The woman smiles. “I’m Esmé. Are you all right?”

Eileen nods shakily. “Yes, thank you. I just realized…” she trails off. Esmé gives her a look of immediate understanding. “You weren’t quite sure before you came here tonight, were you?”

Eileen shakes her head and Esmé smiles again. “I’m glad you’re here…?”

“Eileen.”

“Eileen.” Esmé smiles again and Eileen feels like her heart could break from that smile. Her name has never sounded that lovely. 

“Come join us, Eileen.” Esmé offers her hand and Eileen holds onto it, this first contact searing in her mind.

\---

Eileen asks Tobias when she will meet his friends. Tobias doesn’t talk to her much at the labour meetings, choosing to ignore her in favour of the other organizers. Eileen assumes that most of his mates are attending as well and he catches up with them after the meetings since he always sends her home first and tells her not to wait up. Tobias gives her a strange look. 

“I’m protecting you from them, Eileen. They wouldn’t like you. And they’d probably insult you and who you are. It’s better this way.” Eileen remains in the kitchen as Tobias heads into the small loo to wash his face. They wouldn’t like her? Why not? But Tobias knows them better than she does, and she will trust him.

\---

Eileen keeps going to the lesbian activist meetings. She listens to Esmé speak more eloquently and passionately than Tobias has ever done. Or perhaps similar ideas just sound better coming from Esmé, and not from Tobias. Eileen never focuses on Tobias’s lips like she does Esmé’s and doesn’t get flushed around Tobias like she does when Esmé winks at her from the platform. She and Esmé take walks after the meetings get out, and for the first time, Eileen can talk to someone who will not only listen, but treat her with respect. As she talks, Eileen keeps glancing at Esmé, enjoying the other woman’s expressions: hazel eyes wide and blonde eyebrows raised in surprise, pale cheeks flushed with hidden longing, pink lips spread wide as she throws her head back in laughter. Eileen skirts around the issue of Tobias, choosing to speak more about her family and her life at boarding school. Sometimes Hogwarts seems to no longer exist, seeing how frequently she refers to it as the posh boarding school in Scotland. Esmé just listens and smiles encouragingly as Eileen pours her heart out, her beautiful eyes tinged with sadness for all Eileen has lost. 

\---

Life passes by. Tobias seems content to just go to work every day and drink at the pub every night. He no longer talks about the labourers and Eileen wonders if he has become jaded at twenty-five.

\---

**June 1959**

Eileen and Esmé go shopping after the first activist meeting in June. This week’s meeting had been rescheduled to a Saturday morning, and, unlike after their typical Thursday evening meetings, the shops remain open. After strolling along the London streets, bright with sunshine for the first time in months, Eileen and Esmé enter a discount store. They browse the racks and each leave with a new dress, Emse’s red with bright stripes and Eileen’s olive green with black trim. Esmé says the dress highlights Eileen’s pale skin and deep eyes. She arrives home and reverently hangs the dress in the closet.

“Who bought you that?” Tobias is watching her from the doorway, his voice slurred as if he’s already stopped by the bar. He seems to be doing that more and more lately. Half the time, Eileen wants to point out he is trying to _not_ be like his father, but Tobias will just get angry and hurt, so she keeps silent. 

“A friend and I went out clothes shopping.” Eileen runs her hand over the chiffon. “She said it was my birthday present.”

Tobias grunts. “Don’t be expecting all these fancy new dresses after we get married. There’s no point.”

“Yes, of course,” Eileen whispers at Tobias’s back as he stumbles back into the kitchen.

\---

**August 1959**

The August weather is harsh. Eileen and Esmé are talking after a meeting, huddled close together on a public bench. Eileen doesn’t want to go home. She would rather stay here all night in the freezing cold and severe winds, chatting with Esmé. Esmé must see some anxiety on her face because she reaches over and grabs Eileen’s hand. Eileen falls silent and stares at their intertwined hands. 

Esmé coughs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” She attempts to take her hand away.

Eileen shakes her head and grabs Esmé’s hand tighter. “No, it’s fine.” 

Their eyes meet. Eileen swallows heavily and watches Esmé’s pale, narrow throat mimic her own. Her eyes move to Esmé’s lips, which she is subconsciously licking from the cold, from desire; Eileen isn’t quite sure. She pulls Esmé’s hand, and the other woman stumbles slightly into Eileen. Eileen wraps her arms around her and leans in, touching their lips together. Esmé makes a small moan, and Eileen thinks her heart has stopped. They stay outside in the cold, snow falling around them, kissing until a small boy runs by and scuffs a footfall of snow at them. 

“Dykes!”

Eileen pulls back and rests her forehead against Esmé’s. They are both breathing heavily, and the feelings between them need no words.

\---

“I think I’m attracted to women, Tobias.”

Tobias starts and gets up from the table, eyes full of anger. 

“I mean, I’m not sure. But I…just don’t know.”

“Some bitch in particular?” 

Eileen stays quiet.

“Eileen!”

“Yes.” She quickly continues as Tobias looks thunderous. “Yes, there’s someone in particular. But I’m not dating her. We kissed but that’s it. And I wanted to talk to you. I promise I’m not cheating. I just want us to talk.”

But Tobias’s face has closed off, and Eileen wonders where the Tobias she befriended has gone. The Tobias who spoke of passion and labour and the everyday man?

This Tobias is silent, and he exits the kitchen and slams the bedroom door shut. 

Eileen sleeps on the couch.

The next day, Tobias says she can sleep in the living room until she finds a new place to live. Eileen hopes Esmé might take her in. She has nowhere else to go. She is stuck. She can’t breathe. She can’t breathe. 

Everything goes black. 

\---

Eileen wakes up in an unfamiliar room on scratchy, white sheets with a weird, stale smell all around. She glances beside her and sees Tobias and a nurse.

“Am I in the hospital?” she croaks.

The nurse spins around quickly and smiles, rosy dimples appearing in each cheek. 

“Oh, good, you’re awake, Missus Snape.” 

Eileen frowns, and the nurse continues. “Your husband has filled me in on all the details.” Eileen throws a frightened glance at Tobias. “But really, dear.” The voices goes cold in contrast to the bright, dimply smile. “You shouldn’t be skipping meals in your condition.”

Cold sweat drips down her forehead. “I’m sorry, my what? My condition?” 

“Oh, my dear, I thought you knew! Oh, well, this changes everything! Congratulations, sugar, you're going to be a mummy!” 

Eileen throws up.

\---

Tobias says nothing as they walk home. They stop by the local court office and get a marriage certificate. Tobias is mates with the clerk who postdates the certificate by a month. “For propriety’s sake.” Tobias laughs with the man. Eileen doesn’t know his name. They get back to the apartment in the late afternoon, and Tobias reaches for the whiskey, pouring a large glass and swallowing half of it immediately.

“You don’t fucking get any,” he snarls. “ _Pregnant_ bitches can’t drink.” He swallows the last of the amber liquid and throws the glass to the floor. Eileen flinches as the glass shatters against the grimy wood. “But you get to clean that up, though. As my _wife_.” Yanking another glass out of the cabinet, Tobias and his bottle exit the room. 

Eileen slides to the floor, tears streaming down her face. What has happened? Only yesterday, she thought she would be free of him, free from Tobias’s grasp, free to be with Esmé. And now? The marriage was necessary, for the sake of their child. Eileen knows the importance of having the baby in wedlock. Without a legal father, her baby would be shunned, spat upon, denied jobs. She will not put her child through that if she can help it. 

Eileen lies on the floor for hours, staring at the broken pieces of glass on the floor, and they look like the broken pieces of her future. But she can survive this. For her baby. 

Eileen walks from the kitchen into the bedroom and lies down next to Tobias. He has finished most of the bottle and is passed out, fully clothed, with one foot on the floor still encased in a boot. In his sleep, Tobias rolls over and grasps her breast, his alcohol-soaked breath enveloping her head and his rough fingers uncomfortably scratching her nipples. Eileen closes her eyes.

\---

Esmé says that she understands. She understands that Eileen doesn’t want to cheat on her husband, doesn’t want to be a bad role model for the baby. She is teary as she nods and places a goodbye kiss on Eileen’s lips. Eileen stays in the park until dusk, hand frozen on her lips, on the imprint of Esmé’s touch.

\---

Tobias insists on sex during Eileen’s pregnancy. He doesn’t say as much, but forces her onto her back at night and roughly thrusts into her while holding her wrists tightly in his harsh grip. He either ignores her tears or doesn’t see them. Eileen doesn’t know which is worse. 

\---

Eileen doesn’t go to any more lesbian activist meetings, and, without Esmé to talk to each week, dealing with Tobias becomes much more difficult. She can no longer tell anyone when Tobias calls for her by shouting “Bitch!” or how he ignores her most days, acting as if she isn’t even present. Disturbingly, Eileen likes it when he calls her a bitch; it means he is acknowledging her presence.

\---

At night the insults are worse. No matter how many times Eileen insists she hasn’t slept with Esmé, Tobias accuses her of cheating on him. 

“Your pussy’s wider; who have you been with? That dykey bitch? You just fuck around behind my back while I work to put food in your mouth!”

“You seem to be better at fucking tonight. Where’d you learn it? From that dyke?” 

Tobias has begun to drink more and becomes violent. For the most part, she dodges his attacks and fends off the rest by appealing for the safety of his unborn child. Hopefully the baby’s birth will soften Tobias’s demeanour.

\---

**January 1960**

Eileen gives birth in the same hospital Tobias brought her to when she passed out. Tobias isn’t there. He has gone drinking with some mates at the pub and won’t be back anytime soon.

\---

**July 1961**

Any hopes Eileen had that Tobias would be less angry and violent after the baby was born are dashed almost immediately. Though mildly proud he has fathered a son, Tobias quickly returns to insulting Eileen on a constant basis. Tobias’s vision of Eileen as a cheating dyke coats every facet of their life; he no longer trusts her with money, grimaces when she enters a room, and becomes even more violent and demanding in their bedroom. Eileen avoids the neighbours, not wanting them to see the bruises she receives during the night, and spends all her energy watching after Severus. He looks just like her, except for the nose, a stark reminder of her husband in her son’s face. Eileen rocks Severus to sleep every night in a rocking chair in the parlour, whispering soft words in his ear to drown out the curses and grunts Tobias is making upstairs. She shuts her eyes and imagines she and Severus are far away with Esmé.

\---

**September 1962**

Eileen needs to leave.

Severus is a precocious child, and his magic is showing early. His _magic_. Somehow, in the midst of labour meetings, falling in love with Esmé, and surviving Tobias, Eileen has forgotten that she is a witch. Her wand has been sitting in a cupboard in the hallway for years, and it is second nature for Eileen to do the cooking and washing up in a complete Muggle fashion. Tobias had always been slightly uncomfortable with magic, though he was aware of her status, but he seems to have forgotten that tolerance when it comes to their son. Severus cowers in the corner as Tobias shouts at Eileen for everything _wrong_ in their lives: for birthing a wizard, for being a witch, for being a _dyke_. Eileen is crying and pleading with Tobias not to shout, not around Severus, but Tobias doesn’t seem to hear her. Eventually, Tobias runs out of vitriol and storms out of the house.

Eileen sits on the floor of their house, of _Tobias’s_ house, and decides to leave. Why didn’t she leave sooner? Why didn’t she see that raising Severus in such a harsh environment was worse than raising him fatherless? She scoops up Severus, who clings to her neck, and scavenges the house for belongings that are solely hers. She packs her two other dresses, including the olive green one Esmé bought for her, and Severus’s clothes and stuffed bear. Everything fits into her handbag. 

Swallowing harshly, Eileen walks down the front steps and down Spinner’s End, passing the large mill at the end of the street.

\---

Eileen has Esmé’s address from when she helped Esmé write Chistmas cards, and the walk only takes an hour. She knocks quickly at the dark wooden door, hoping Esmé will not mind her showing up after all of these years.

The door opens and Esmé appears. Tears spring into Eileen’s eyes. Esmé looks the same, her hazel eyes, her blonde hair, her pink cheeks -- she is beautiful.

“I’m sorry,” Eileen whispers. “I left. And I have nowhere to go.”

Esmé appears to take in Eileen’s appearance, the fading bruises on her arm, her diminished weight, the bundle in her arms of a sleeping baby, and the stuffed handbag at her side. She doesn’t even hesitate, immediately drawing Eileen into her home.

\---

Severus is settled in a crib left over from Esmé’s brother who lived with Esmé until he moved to Brighton with his wife and daughter. Eileen smooths back Severus’s dark hair, praying she can keep him happy and healthy and _safe_.

Eileen returns to the dining room where Esmé is sitting with two cups of tea. Eileen sits in the chair next to Esmé’s and thanks Esmé for the cup.

They sit in silence for a while, drinking and darting glances at each other. Esmé breaks the silence first.

“I shouldn’t like you anymore. I shouldn’t be happy you picked your husband over me, regardless of your son. And now I see all these bruises. You hid from me how violent he was, how he treated you.” Esmé’s voice is cracking. “Do you know how much it hurts me to know that you were suffering? But, damnit, Eileen, I love you and I will take you in and _never_ let you suffer again.”

Eileen has no words. How can she apologise to a woman who has loved her for so long despite the distance? She stands and pulls Esmé out of her chair. Leaning close in a mimic of their first, their _only_ real kiss, Eileen waits. She doesn’t want Esmé to think she is demanding a relationship. But Esmé’s hazel eyes are dark with desire, and she quickly brings their lips together. Esmé’s kiss is tender and sweet, and Eileen tastes tears, though she doesn’t know whose they are. 

The kiss deepens, and Esmé swipes her tongue along Eileen’s lips. Eileen opens her mouth and sinks into the kiss. Her blood is racing, and she feels an ache, a _need_ for Esmé. Eileen runs her palms along Esmé’s sides and revels in the shiver that goes through the other woman’s body. Hands shaking, she pulls at the ties at the back of Esmé’s dress, even as she continues to kiss Esmé with all the passion she possesses. Esmé pulls back and quickly leads Eileen to the bedroom, turning her back to Eileen for ease of access to the ties. Eileen quickly tugs Esmé’s dress off, leaving Esmé standing in just her petticoat. When Esmé turns back around, Eileen can’t stop herself; she presses her lips to silk of the undergarments over Esmé’s nipple. Her hands slide over Esmé’s hips, and she realises Esmé is tugging at her dress. Pulling the dress quickly over her head, Eileen returns to Esmé’s breasts, kissing the swell of them before pushing Esmé onto the bed and turning her attention to the pale neck. 

But Esmé has other ideas. She trails he fingers along Eileen’s stomach and settles herself between Eileen’s legs. Eileen breathes sharply. Is she…?

Esmé quirks an eyebrow and Eileen nods shakily, prepared for pain or uncomfortable fullness. But Esmé’s touch is light, and her delicate fingers dance over Eileen’s clit. And then, Esmé lowers her head, and Eileen stops thinking. Esmé’s tongue is _inside_ her. The soft sensations of Esmé’s tongue and fingers are overwhelming, and Eileen has never felt more loved. 

\---

Eileen and Esmé sleep late. Eileen wakes early, accustomed to mill hours, and stays completely still, content to watch Esmé’s easy breathing. Nothing is certain at that moment; Eileen needs to find a job and make sure she sustains custody of Severus, remaining hidden, if she can, from Tobias. But right now, as she lays in bed with Esmé’s pale legs intertwined with her own, she has something she never had before: hope.


End file.
